The ABCs of Relating Effectively

by Bruce Terpstra

Relationships can often be tough to navigate because we are not all wired the same. Knowing what is important to a person is critical, but don’t assume it is the same for others as it is for you. The Strength Deployment Inventory (SDI) gives you a way to understand these differences and effectively relate to people who are not like you. In this blog post, we want to lay out a simple three-step process (ABC) for relating so you get the results you desire.

Before you begin to relate to someone, you first want to (A) Assess their motives. You want to understand what is driving their behaviors and decisions, and what is important to them. You are looking to understand a person at a much deeper, heart level. Are they focused on people, performance, process, or perspective? Knowing what is most important to someone will enable you to adjust your relational style to connect with them, build trust, and accomplish your vision.

In this “assess” step, remember that you need to understand what is important to a person both when things are going well and when there is conflict. The motives of people change in conflict, and so do their behaviors. Predicting how people go through this change will enable you to shift your response for a healthier result.

Once you have assessed motives, you are ready for the second step: (B) Bring the right strengths. You have 28 strengths from which to choose (seven for each color), even though you may have your “go-to” strengths. Relational Intelligence provided by the SDI paradigm helps you understand what strengths might be useful based on your assessment of motivations. It is beneficial to know why you would choose different strengths and how they help you address your own motivations.

I am a red, but I can choose to use a green strength like “analytical” when working with someone who is green, who may not just accept my gut decision but needs more data to support my conclusions. By being analytical, I may be able to secure their support for a project, allowing us to win together. This strength is not natural to me, but because of the Relational Intelligence provided by the SDI, I can choose a strength that will preserve or even strengthen our relationship.

When I use a strength, I also need to be careful not to overdo it. My confidence might be perceived as arrogance if I don’t tone down its strength, or others could easily see my persuasive strength as manipulation. Prevent overdoing a strength by being aware of your propensities and knowing how others may perceive you. Remember that we all wear different colored glasses that impact our perceptions!

Once you have assessed motives and brought the right strengths, you are ready to (C) Communicate in the right style. For instance, if you know you are talking to a red, be brief, be brilliant, and be gone! Reds want to get lots of things done, so they don’t have time for travelogue and lots of stories. Get to the point, be direct, and speak in bullet points. Tell them what they need to win and to advance performance. Don’t expect to just hang out and talk, because they want to move on to the next task. Perhaps this is overstating a red’s relational style, but not by much!

Communication with blue, green, and hub will all look different, and the SDI assessment helps you know how to use the right style to be understood.

This simple ABC approach—assess motives, bring the right strengths, and communicate in the right style—will help you have successful relationships. This is true with your spouse, your children, and the people you work with.

Ready to take the next step? Join our next Facilitator Certification Training November 18–20, 2025.