When Your First Try Fails

by Del Fehsenfeld

Have you ever felt stuck in a ministry conflict, even after doing everything you can to resolve it? As one ministry leader said, “I keep looking for fair solutions, but it feels like the other person just wants their way.” 

Healthy conflict isn’t just about avoiding blowups. Quiet responses—like holding in frustration, shutting down, or pulling away—can be just as damaging. When team members stay silent or step back to keep the peace, the whole ministry loses the energy and teamwork it needs to thrive.

The good news is, conflict doesn’t have to control us; it can be understood and navigated in healthier ways. Each of us tends to respond in a certain pattern—by accommodating, analyzing, or asserting—especially when something we deeply value feels threatened. Conflict also tends to follow predictable paths, shaped by what motivates us: people, performance, or process.

Underneath it all, our souls long for acceptance, significance, and security—needs God designed to be met in His love. But when we try to get those needs met through others or outcomes, conflict often spirals into unhealthy cycles of demanding or withdrawing. 

When accommodating doesn’t bring peace, when analyzing only gets you stuck, or when being assertive makes things worse, you can choose to move beyond the instinct to defend yourself. Using tools like the Strengths Deployment Inventory (SDI) and a biblical understanding of your soul, you can develop the awareness, relational intelligence, and soul growth needed to resolve conflict before it goes too far, return to your values, and love more effectively.

When Your First Strategy Fails

When your go-to strategy fails, it’s often because your motivations or conflict style clash with the other person’s. When our deep needs for acceptance, significance, or security go unrecognized or aren’t anchored in God, they can stir up reactions that feel bigger than the situation warrants.  Recognizing this is the first step toward learning how to adapt.

If You’re an Accommodator

You naturally seek peace, often conceding or compromising to ensure that others feel heard. But what if they dismiss your efforts or take advantage of your generosity?

If You’re an Analyst

You step back, gather facts, and propose logical solutions. But what if the other person is impatient or emotionally driven, brushing off your careful analysis?

If You’re Assertive

You address conflict directly, advocating confidently for your position. But what if the other person shuts down or becomes defensive?

Relational intelligence, grounded in gospel-based soul development, teaches us how to understand conflict triggers and stages of conflict. Instead of feeling stuck or letting things spiral, your ministry team can learn how to communicate on a deeper level, getting to what we really want together.

Practical Steps for Adapting in Conflict

To work through conflict in a healthy way, it helps to understand what’s driving both you and the other person—your motivations and values. Here’s how:

1. Pause and Reflect: Notice when your strategy isn’t working. Ask, “What’s motivating the other person? Are they driven by harmony, by getting things done, or by doing things right?”

2. Ask About Intentions: Uncover their values by asking, “Can you share why this matters to you?” Reflect on your own motivations, and communicate them clearly.

3. Acknowledge Their Passion: Validate their intentions, even if they’re different than yours. For example: “I appreciate your thoughtfulness,” “I see your commitment to results,” or “I respect your desire to avoid distress.”

4. Pivot Strategically: Adapt to what motivates them. If you tend to be assertive but they care about harmony, lean into listening. If you’re more analytical and they’re focused on results, connect your ideas to outcomes.

5. Stay Grounded in Your Values: Trust God to meet your deepest needs for acceptance, significance, and security. When you’re anchored in Him, you can adapt with authenticity and love others well.

A Balanced Approach

When your usual strategy—accommodating, analyzing, or asserting—doesn’t work, tools like the SDI assessment and the three-passions-of-the-soul framework can give you a relational roadmap. By understanding what motivates you and others, you can shift to a more loving and effective response when your values feel threatened, while trusting God to meet your deepest needs for validation, identity, and security. This kind of soul work is key to growing in faith and love. And when ministry teams learn gospel-based relational intelligence, they don’t just resolve conflicts better—they build stronger, more loving relationships.

Every team can learn a new way forward. TeamLife is a proven training solution that equips ministry teams with relational intelligence, anchored in God’s love, to handle conflict in healthy ways, deepen trust, and build stronger relationships for lasting impact. Click here to learn more.